Family Guy meets Twilight II

Family Guy meets Twilight II

Tom Tucker and Diane Simmons organize their papers as the camera turns to them for an update in the news.
"Live from....oh who gives a sh-"
"Welcome back," Diane greets, interrupting the announcer. "I'm Diane Simmons." Tom grumbles under his breath as he fidgets with his papers. Muttered curses sound as his eyes glare at his papers. "Tom has his annual period today so I'll be taking over."
Tom jolts to his right, his hands and eyeballs twitching erratically. He shoots his left arm to Diane, pointing accusingly at her. "Die in a fire, Diane!"
"Get a tampon.
"Now in other news, after Peter Griffin’s tragic death in Forks, Washington, last week, 'Family Guy' has been canceled. All over America, uproars have been starting to form in attempts to find and kill Edward Cullen, the man who killed Peter Griffin."
"Why does he get all the attention?! He's dead!" Tom screams.
"Wait---I have heard the police are in hot pursuit of Edward Cullen. He is in a silver Volvo down some highway in Chicago. Here's Trisha Takanawa!"
Trisha Takanawa sits at the edge of her helicopter seat, staring into the camera and then at the far off silver Volvo.
"Thank-you, Diane. I am here in Chicago where the murderer, Edward Cullen, is being pursued. We are barely catching up with him but we have gotten news he has a female accomplice, Isabella Swan. Wait----he also has another accomplice---male---Jacob Black." A dark figure was shoved out of the immensely fast Volvo. "Never mind. He has only one accomplice."
"You're going down, Cullen!!!!" Joe shouts as he violently wheels his wheelchair towards Edward's Volvo.

Edward looks through the rearview mirror and growls under his breath.
"Edward, maybe we should turn ourselves in. Then we can escape," Bella suggests.
Edward shakes his head.
"Then Alice gets the last laugh! I'm not losing another DDR Max to her! She'll have the whole collection!"
Bella sighs and looks at the rearview mirror.
"This is what happens for spiking your blood. I told you and Emmett not to experiment with that whiskey..."

"We are taking Jacob Black for questioning," Trisha explains. A fire-filled explosion flairs in the background where Edward's Volvo was. "We will keep you updated in any further news. Back to you, Diane."
"Thanks, Trisha. What do you have to say to this, Ollie."
"He drives fast!"
"Thank-you, Ollie. To news we think you'll like! There's-"
"He's dead! How can America like him more than me?" Tom screeches. Tom shoots from his chair and runs around in circles, ripping his hair out. He then jumps over the news counter and attacks the camera where he is tranquilized.
"Hey, Ollie...interested in Tom's job?"
Ollie disappears from his weather station. Diane looks around until Ollie's voice sounds from Tom's seat. "What car does he drive?"
"A silver Volvo."
"Lucky bastard."

The Griffin family sits on the couch all dressed in black, mourning, watching the news.
"Mom...will the police get Edward Cullen?" Chris asks.
Louis sighs and turns her head to Chris.
"I hope so, sweetheart..."
Stewie's head inclines past the doorframe to the kitchen, peering into the living room. His face is painted to camouflage his surroundings and a flamethrower is hidden behind him. Stewie grabs the flamethrower properly and takes a deep breath.
“Here we go, Louis. You’re going down…” Stewie sprints in front of Louis and jumps on to her lap. “Take this!”
Everyone clears the area instead of Louis as Stewie was about to fire his weapon at her. At a split second, his flamethrower vanishes and Alice is there, balancing herself on their banister.
“Bad baby,” she reprimands, wagging her finger.
“Blast! How did you do that?” Stewie demands. “Damn female.”
“Sorry about intruding,” Carlisle apologizes. “Do you usually let your child play with weapons?”
“Oh….Stewie! How could you?!” Louis yells.
“I’ll have my revenge!” Stewie runs into the kitchen.
“The news is on!” Jasper calls, beside Emmett and Meg on the couch.
“Hey there,” Meg flirts.
Jasper feels her emotions and his eyes shoot at Alice. “I’m taken.”
“Drat,” Meg mutters.
Brian walks into the living room to see the rest of the Cullens and his family there. “Uh…when did they get here?”

“And we’re back!” Diane says. “Ollie?”
“They’re dead!”
“Yes, you have heard Ollie right. We have gotten news of Edward Cullen and his accomplice dying in their burning silver Volvo. Right before Trisha Takanawa’s devastating crash she’s had this to say.”
Trisha’s helicopter hovers five feet in front of the burning silver Volvo.
“I am hovering here at the scene of what is the conclusion to a hot pursuit of the man who killed Peter Griffin…”

Alice crosses her fingers as she gazes intently at the Griffin‘s television. “New game…new game…new game…”

“It seems to be that a policeman, in a wheelchair, threw series of grenades at the silver Volvo which was enable to escape. Then, everything else is history. Death, destruction and-”
Roars of a beast fill the background. The pilot screams at the view.
“I’m getting out of here!”
“Me too!”
Both the pilot and the co-pilot jump off the helicopter and land safely on the ground.
“What was that?” Trisha asks.
Jacob Black, in his werewolf form, runs to the burning silver Volvo. He looks into the forest and snarles. Then, a purse is thrown at him from the helicopter. He turns to them and grabs the base of the helicopter and crashes it into the Volvo.
“That is devastating,” Diane sympathizes. “Let’s see that again!”
The entire scene is replayed.

“Holy crap. Hate to be that guy,” Peter says as he munches on a candy bar at the foot of the couch.
“Peter? When did you get here? I thought you were dead!” Louis yells.
Chris laughs happily from the foot of the couch.“Hey dad!”
“Take him! What a pain in the ass!” Death whines at the front door. “You’re better off alive! Sheesh!”
“Oh thank-you, Death!” Louis smiles.
“Don’t mention it.”
“Hey, Death. Miss us?” Emmett smirks.
“If I can kill you…I would.” Death exits the house as Jasper, Alice, and Emmett snicker, the other Cullens smile.

“And what do you have to say in all of what happened in that video, Ollie?”
“Hot dog!”
“Nicely put. Wanna get a bite to eat?”
“I want soup!”
“Chunky?”
“Chunky!”